Can’t wait for school to go back, just two more sleeps. Miss T starts pre-primary this year, so she’ll be there all day every day – finally some peace and quiet! She’s a great kid, love her to bits but she just doesn’t shut up. I’ve played a game with her a few times where I’lll count to 20 and see if she can go that long without saying anything or making any noise. She can’t do it, we get to around 9 and she has to make a noise. Just drives me insane – I just want some peace and quiet – just occasionally!
So today, Master R came in without his jocks on. This is actually quite common, he’s three and toilet trained but seems to have a hard time putting his pants back on, so when he goes to the toilet (apparently outside a lot!) he just doesn’t bother to put them on. Today, he’d already left his pants behind and was playing outside in his jocks, after a while he came in and he was jockless, wouldn't tell me where he'd left his jocks and for some reason I just didn’t handle it well at all.
I live in a rural area, renting at the moment until the wanker and I decide what to do with the proceeds from the sale of our house. Anyhoo, I’m on about 5 acres and I couldn’t find the jocks anywhere. I kept asking him where they were and he wouldn’t tell me or couldn’t remember. For some reason, I got incredibly angry and was yelling at him, swearing at him, etc. I actually felt the need to belt the crap out of him – no I didn’t. I don’t hit my kids, doesn't solve anything and I know that about the yelling as well, can’t seem to stop myself.
I just don’t know what got in to me today, I was so angry, near tears (which for me is nothing new – I’m the biggest sook I know) but I just felt like shit. Maybe it’s because I’m just so tired, was cooking dinner at the time and didn’t want it to burn while I was looking for a pair of jocks for god’s sake. So silly now, but still feel like shit. Eventually he showed me where they were, miles away from the house!
I’m just so angry all the time, I’m really sick of it. I have to apologise to the kids for being angry and yelling at them, they’re okay - to the point where a few months ago when I was saying sorry to Miss T for yelling at her and she informed me that she doesn’t get scared when I yell at her.
Great - she’s pretty cool, when I get upset (usually at my own behaviour), I cry, she gets me tissues. Like I said great kid – just wish she’d shut the fuck up. Unfortunately that’s exactly what I say to her and I have to stop.
So I can’t wait for school to go back.
Talk soon
Doodah
My first thought was - where do I get get a place to rent on 5 acres?
ReplyDeleteI yell at my kids, too. Not as much these days. My anger was and is mostly directed at my ex, but of course he's not around, so the poor kids cop it. And then they start yelling at each other and at me, which is when I realise what I'm doing, what kind of example I'm providing for them.
Are you getting some counselling? Even though it sounds like you're pretty happy to be out of the relationship, you will still be experiencing some grief. Might be worth investigating....
(((Hugs)))
Oh I'm hearing you! Unfortunately adult stress quite often results in kids doing the smallest things that annoy the shit out of us.
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